Female 25, Sydney
As we all know, when we didn’t have anyone around us to listen to our pain, gain we usually choose a social site to share but instead of posting on my FB or on Insta stories I choose to confess and I believe confession helps us to heal. Namaste, introducing myself as a typically grown-up modern Nepalese चुल्बुले woman of 25 years old who gets married when she was only 17 years to the loving and caring man, age of 29 years old back in 2012. Hang On! Before making any assumptions let me make you all clear I didn’t get married to a person decade older than me for Australian PR. I am here as a Student and neither a fake marriage. “बाल विवाह भनु होला” I agree, sometimes आफ्नै बहिनीको नी १७।१८ वर्षमा हामी बिहे गर्दिन तयार भैराको हुन्छौ but at that time we don’t think about early Marriage. We all have a different character, behavior that defines us. Not so ugly looking face, talkative, carrying a smile on the face most of the time and maturely immature or immaturely mature is what defines me in the right way.
Let’s Begin, almost a half a year ago I started talking with a boy whom I met at work. He was good, I still say he is good. Slowly we started knowing each other and sharing our matters. Without saying him, he usually used to come to pick me up at first workplace so that we can go together to another work. I didn’t see anything wrong at that minute in his behavior towards me. One day while coming back from work he grabs my thumb and set my thumbprint to unlock his phone. But maturely immature me didn’t find anything wrong till this time. However he is treating me, whatever he is doing for me I started appreciating. I shared most of the things with my husband regarding him. I started calling him my best friend. I never said “NO” whenever he needs any kind of help or my support. Since the time I get married, I and my husband always have a conflict on the way I talk with people being more frank and smiling which he believes is my weak point that people started taking me for granted. He doesn’t like the way, I talk with friends, he doesn’t like the way if I share 18+ jokes or memes with any of the male friends. Late-night good way conversation isn’t also allowed. So, getting tired of conflict and stuff I started hiding most of the things. But he is the only person who has given me infinity love, materialistic happiness and every possible thing that his money can buy. You know when we adopt a newly born puppy 🐶, we automatically fall in love with them like our own brother and sister but at some point in life, we realize we can’t share our feelings, what we going through to that puppy. कुकुरलाई घ्यू पच्दैन रे yes people will probably say the same sentence to me. But what matters for me is my inner happiness, peace. It’s okay if I can’t afford to buy chicken for dinner tonight I can eat rice and daal only but inner happiness is what I always seek for.
Let’s continue about my friend again, I never ask anything with him, he keeps on surprising me with his caring nature. Heading to the work together, Work break- lunch together, work finished- coming back together. Even people started asking if we are a couple. Unexpectedly I started getting used to with him. But till this phase I have shared everything with my husband and we already have a conflict on this matter. I k if the wife gets close with other boys than it’s understandable about this conflict. But I didn’t stop talking with him or hanging around with him. He was so precious to me. I used to pamper him as if the favorite flower of my garden. Aa aa nahhh, I’m not his girlfriend but I started treating him more than a girlfriend usually do. Nope, that’s wasn’t love, maybe something beyond love which we have no right words to explain. Many of you will say why to have a male best friend? To be honest, it may not be only me but when the situation arrives we never know with whom we get close. I hurt him on some matter and he was so furious. He stops talking with me then I realized what he means to me. I was going insane. The panic attack started to me. I started carrying for no reason. I couldn’t focus on my daily activities. Somehow, I managed to convince him. Time wasn’t in my favor. My husband said stop ✋🏼 means like literally stop having a convo with him. But not having a convo with him was dragging me towards anxiety.
So, I thought I will talk with him though he wasn’t willing to as my husband gave a call and said not to have gossip all the time like girlfriend and boyfriend to him. I made him clear, I am not his girlfriend not going to be his wife but his friendship matters me more than anything else that I started getting a panic attack which isn’t in my control and he is the only cure. I literally begged him to help me till the time I recover myself.He said, “ त मसंग टासो लाग्न खोजेकी?” I am an independent woman who work almost 14 hours a day, 5 days a week. I am literate, not so wow looking appearance but people usually give real smiles looking at me. I trust टासो लाग्नु जरुरत छैन मलाई but I have loved him as my precious friend that I couldn’t bear the pain of staying away from him after getting so close like nail and flesh and previously, I didn’t ask him to get more close with me but it’s my fault I didn’t stop me. I didn’t ask him to pamper me like his girlfriend but yes, I didn’t say a single word. I didn’t shout loud when his friends started thinking of me as his girlfriend and called me bhauju. I didn’t say single objection words to his brother when he says you look like a Buhari of this house because I k what I am for him and what he is for me. I don’t want to explain the world. The way he wants to dance with me after a few glasses of drinks, the way he wants to hold me I never say “NO” because he was precious for me. If someone at work says him, “you sweating a lot, smelling bad, I used to be the one replying to them, “don’t you sweat after doing continuous work” and the next day I used to go and buy him a deodorant. Any of my colleagues if share food with me, I used to call him straightway so that I can share with him. And I used to call it “ Kitkat Break “. I k after getting married getting close, ummmm closeness beyond limits with Male is absolutely wrong. But I didn’t care. Somehow, this relationship can be called as “Extramarital affairs”. My husband once said me, “ अर्काको बुडी भनेर थाहा हुदा हुदै if someone tries to come close, then they are only seeking for physical relation and that’s the easiest way for a boy, they don’t have to accept you and they will never but they will get what they want. To my best friend, I gave you all of me which I ain’t supposed to And you take all of me till the time you find it interesting. After all, you are a player but it’s my fault being a goalkeeper I left the goalposts so that, I can see a million-dollar smile and satisfaction on your face after you score that goal. One day when my husband came from work I wasn’t at home, I went for a walk he thought I went with him. Then, he asked him when was the last day you guys have a conversation? His response breaks me into tiny pieces. He screenshot my message only and sends it to my husband but not what he has replied to me. He thinks I am the only one after him. Since that day, my husband left the home as I keep on communicating with him going against his words, sooner I will be called as a divorcee. To my husband I’m sorry, I can’t be the perfect wife as you want. I respect your decision to be apart because of the way you think and want me to be will only possible in your imagination. We both have compromised how much we can but we aren’t made for each other as you have already traveled all journey decades ago which I am stepping now and you hardly will let me travel. I want to fall but I want to rise and shine as well which you don’t want me to be. I will be always respected for being an amazing person in my life. And my so-called best friend wins this game of letting me of nowhere. Congratulations, on this. My best friend turned as my unrevealed enemy. But I still wish best for you. I would like to conclude this as Phase of life, Mistakes of heart and eyes. I am strong to hold myself, stand-alone. To be honest, I am not that much in pain with my husband’s decisions of being separated because he deserves better but the way my best friend treats as if like a cheap woman is what has made my everyday survival tough. Having only 2-4 hours of sleep, Still every morning I wake up with panic attacks. I try to calm myself. Now, I don’t have any person to hold my hand so that I can cry enough. I know I’m strong as “जगंदम्बा स्टिल and सिभंम सीमेन्ट” but at the end of the day, tears roll down from the eyes, reminiscing those time and memories I make the pillow wet and sometimes I feel like next morning I don’t want to awake. P.S.- everything, every word is based on a real-life story. I wish If I can share, what I am actually going through. Thank you all
